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The Bachelorette is a painful show to watch for someone like myself that thinks making love the center of your universe is a terrible idea. Not only is the end goal of this show falling in love, this show is NOT long enough to actually fall in love with someone. All of that boring logic aside, I found myself not as excited about this episode because I was depressed about Golden State showing up in Game 7 and Oklahoma City basically giving up. Still don’t want to talk about it.

This episode took me four different times rewinding and then trying to stay awake, so I snapped out of it and decided to focus fully on this terribad show and stop moping about the Thunder losing to the bullshit Warriors. Yeah, Bullshit Warriors. Sounds legit to me. If you needed a recap of my meltdown last night, check out my Twitter feed here:

Let’s dive into this week’s stars of the show! Totes excited, y’all.

Chad: Fan of deep V’s and himself

There are two types of people in this world. One type loves Chad for his honesty and very blunt perspective on life and reality television. This type also tends to be mildly concerned that he is a sociopath with anger issues, yet they know this makes for a good villian. The other type of people are just wrong. Chad represents all that is “bad” for finding the love of his life within a short span of time. Not only is The Chad very volatile when it comes to challenges, he sticks with his shitty behavior and owns it. The second type of people aka the “wrong” people that hate Chad are just lying to themselves about his refreshing honesty.

CHAD IS FROM OKLAHOMA AND IS A LUXURY REAL ESTATE AGENT.AND WAS ALSO IN THE MARINES!

You know who else is named Chad Johnson that tried to find love on a reality show and ended up Plaxico Burressing himself? That’s right, our man Ocho Cinco! One thing these two share in common? Their love for themselves! That’s really all.

Look, I’ll be honest with you. I got a D in Intro to Psych in college, so don’t take my word for it. Here are some words from actually educated people:

The narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the narcissist does not “love” himself in any true sense of this loaded word. He feeds off other people who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest – in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions – so he feels.

-from HealthyPlace.com

So basically this definition says that narcissists feed off of the hatred from other? Sounds about right. Chad’s entire existence this show has been to do pull ups, piss off the other dudes and praise himself for being such a humble Midwestern dude. As long as JoJo loves his act he seems to be golden and on a glorified game show that is the main goal. There are glimpses in the preview for next week’s (OMG TWO EPISODES TWO NIGHTS) episodes that show Chad going off. I predict that he will stay past whatever beef he creates because well… he’s CHAD! To follow Chad’s ego on Twitter here ya go

Wells: out of shape radio DJ and lover of swimming with sharks

The Bachelorette is not supposed to be a physical competition because well…Wells would lose. Ways that Wells does not lose and actually wins? Wells hates cats, which I learned from his bio that was on the ABC website, so he is already winning in my book. Add that he is also in radio (yeah, I’m taking a goddamn break because I’m sick… I’ll be back) and loves really good tacos. This week Wells pulled a power move on the show and I am definitely a fan. Wells gets the rose on the group date and with a quick camera cut to Grant (ya know… the guy who ACTUALLY IS A FIREFIGHTER FOR A LIVING) the intro to Sound of Silence starts playing. Just kidding, but it should have.

Grant: sexy ass firefighter with morbid sense of romance

Grant tells JoJo that he would tell her he loved her every damn day because he might not be coming home. DAMN. What a morbid yet exciting relationship possibility. If JoJo is like most women and has thought terrible things about men in firefighter uniforms, this could be a huge plus. If JoJo is more of a stable relationship without death type of woman, this could be a disaster for Grant. Whatever, he’s delightfully chiseled and has a lot going for him in this season of The Bachelorette.

Alex: sexy ass Marine with a chip on his shoulder

Alright, I am NOT going to shame Alex for his height, or lack thereof. That would be no worse than people shaming me for being #thickwithit and I am not about to make assumptions based on his height. All of that aside, Alex decided to pick a fight with Chad in the most passive aggressive and ridiculous way of all time. CMON JUST GET CHAD TO PUNCH YOU AND THEN YOU CAN MURDER HIM WITH YOUR BABY BLUE EYES AND AMAZING SMILE! Or with your bare hands, whatever. Alex seems to be the MOST offended and MOST annoyed with Chad’s behavior and cannot stop talking about it. Proof that men in large groups are just as catty as women. Suck it.

Luke: whiny yet adorable man that went to West Point

What is it with all these highly disciplined and intense military men? Either way, Luke got a little emotional on the episode and wanted his one on one time NOW! IT IS MY ONE ON ONE TIME AND I WANT IT NOW! GAHHHHHH!

Jordan: not Aaron Rodgers and also not shining this episode

Jordan let his ego take a few blows when he started out as the frontrunner for obvious reasons (best not-forced kiss in episode number one) and was charming AF. With no need to fake anything about his personality for JoJo’s love, he could have tried harder on the group date. YOU WENT TO THE SET OF SPORTSNATION WHERE YOU SHOULD EXCEL AT BEING A SPORTS STAR MAYBE THIS IS WHY YOU ARE NO LONGER A BACKUP QB IN THE NFL! His touchdown dance sucked, his press conference was weak and then he was all “omg I hope they aren’t hard on me for being a QB” when he ISN’T A QUARTERBACK ANYMORE SRY! The Bachelorette needs to be swept off her feet, not benched for your reality TV fame seeking.

There were more exciting notes I have but we will be doing a podcast airing on Thursday morning about ALL THINGS RELATED TO THE BACHELORETTE! BE SURE TO DOWNLOAD OUR APP IN PREPARATION FOR THIS! (Android app option here)

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