In case you drafted Andrew Luck as your starting QB, Carson Palmer as your backup, and happened to have spent the last week in a state of fantasy-football-related fury (just me?), you may have missed that the current Pope is on U.S. soil for the first time in his life. As a lapsed Catholic, this is big news for me because I really like the reigning Pope. He’s taking liberal stances on real issues like divorce, climate change, income inequality and immigration. He’s dragging the rigid, stubborn, and outdated Catholic Church kicking and screaming into the 21st century, while the entire world watches. It’s all very fascinating and necessary.
Unless you’re Tom Brady. In an interview on Wednesday, a reporter asked Brady “do you rank Bill or the Pope higher?” Brady’s response? “*annoying laugh* Are you kidding me? In Bill we trust! *annoying laugh*”
Now, there’s no telling what sort of rank the reporter was referring to, nor what sort of rank Brady was thinking of when he chuckled and gave his answer. But I’m not here to report the facts, I’m here to make assumptions. Below, I’ve examined some important aspects of both the Pope and Bill Belichick’s lives, to determine who we really should rank higher in our hearts:
Pope: Jorge Mario Bergoglio
Bill: William Stephen Belichick
BehindtheName.com ranks William the #5 most popular name in the United States and Jorge #207.
Winner: Bill – because America.
Pope: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Bill: Nashville, Tennessee
The tango was created in the streets of Buenos Aires. Nashville is home to country music’s biggest stage, The Grand Ole Opry.
Winner: Pope – only if you like it sexy.
Bill: In 2007, the NFL security caught the Patriots video assistant taping the Jets’ defensive signals. The NFL fined Belichick $500,000 – the largest fine ever levied against a coach in NFL history. Belichick – who controls many, if not most of the Patriots’ on-field operations – issued a statement taking responsibility and the whole thing was dubbed #Spygate.
Pope: In 2005, a human rights lawyer accused Bergoglio of handing over two Jesuit priests who were in his care for kidnapping and torture during Argentina’s Dirty War (May 1976). The priests were eventually released, but one of the priests said Bergoglio handed them over to the death squads of the National Reorganization Process. However, the other priest attributed their kidnapping to a lay colleague who became a guerilla during the war. Bergoglio told his biographer that he worked behind the scenes for their release. The charges against him were eventually dropped. This incident has no known hashtag.
Winner: Pope – because surviving the Dirty War in Argentina is badass. Seriously. Look it up.
Greatest Accomplishments (to date)
Pope: becoming Pope – known for his humility, concern for the poor, and commitment to interfaith dialogue.
Bill: coaching the Patriots to six Super Bowl appearances and four Super Bowl wins.
Winner: You decide! I mean I know you came here for the Sprots, but this Pope Francis guy sounds like a pretty okay guy….
So who’s side are you on? Will you stand for all that is decent in the world? Or are you with Brady on this one?