Tea Time with Haley: April Advice

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and we aren’t sexually compatible. We haven’t been intimate in 73 days. He’s my best friend and our companionship is solid but I’m not sure if I find myself attracted to him anymore. Should I try to mend this or call it off?

A: First and foremost, the most important thing is always communication. How much have you discussed this issue with him, if at all? I know that’s something that can be uncomfortable to bring up, but you have to. You can ease into it by asking if he has any sort of fantasy he wants to experiment with, make a suggestion from your own desires, or it might help if you two try introducing toys or something new into the things you’d normally do.
I don’t think it’s uncommon for long-term couples to go through dry spells, but it has been quite a while. You might want to see if there’s something deeper that’s bothering him as well, maybe he’s been depressed or just exceptionally stressed about something and his mind is on that–has he started a new job or had a crazy semester or something along those lines? That can definitely change a man’s sex drive drastically. The reason you’re not feeling so attracted to him is probably because you haven’t been intimate in so long, so I don’t think you should give up. You just have to talk it out, and the best way to find the solution is to narrow down what exactly is causing the problem.

Q: What should I do if my boyfriend and best friend seem a little too close but I don’t really have any evidence to prove either of them have crossed a line? It just makes me uncomfortable to be around them when they have inside jokes and seem to flirt constantly.

A: You need to bring this up to them immediately. They probably aren’t doing anything to make you feel uncomfortable on purpose, in fact they likely don’t realize they’re doing it at all. I think the best thing to do would be to ask one of them about it in private, whoever you feel most comfortable confronting. You might say something along the lines of “I’m glad you and ____ are able to have such a solid friendship, but sometimes certain things make me feel kind of uncomfortable. I want to make sure there’s nothing I need to be worried about.” And emphasize to them that you think they’re great people, but emotionally it was just getting to you (so long as there isn’t anything to be upset about, that is).

If you aren’t satisfied with the answer you get at that point or if it feels fishy, you might want to try confronting the other person or confronting them both together to see what they say. Given that these are two of the most important people to you though, they are probably just trying to have a great friendship with each other to better their relationship with you.

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