Side Note from GAT: Welcome our investigative journalist, Mindiana (real name, totally) Jones. When we are curious about things but not willing to take the curiosity to the next level… WE SEND MINDIANA TO CHECK IT OUT! Really though, this is fantastic and I’m so happy to be able to awkwardly watch these things unfold from a distance. Mindiiiiii (HAHAHAH) deserves an Emmy or something along those lines. Stay tuned for more investigative things from us at SprotsTakes!
If you frequent the internet, you may be familiar with this meme:
So, when I found myself sharing whiskey with the vocalist of a death metal band out of a similar van in Westport, I was only slightly afraid for my life.
If you follow our Snapchat (sprotstakes), there’s a good chance you witnessed me break out my investigative uniform (black shirt, black eye shadow, vampire lipstick), and take off to The Riot Room in Kansas City. In the name of journalism I went to witness the glorious music of GOATWHORE, creators of songs such as “All the Sins,” “Razor Flesh Devoured,” and “Parasitic Scriptures of the Sacred Word.” To give you an idea of how out of place I felt, my most recently played artists include Alabama Shakes, X Ambassadors, and Fetty Wap. My only solution for the awkwardness to come was throwing back 4 shots of Fireball on an empty stomach.
As far as the concert was concerned, I can’t give much of a review as I couldn’t understand a damn word being said. Apparently, this is the norm. To me, it just sounded like a bunch of passionate, albeit slightly scary, screaming. Each song blended one form of screaming to another. After the show, my friend and I found ourselves taking shots of whiskey with the vocalist out of his previously mentioned tour van, discussing life and a new cat toy idea. All the “alcohol education” videos I was forced to watch as a freshmen at K-State really paid off, as you can see.
Now, some of you may be wondering what exactly does attending death metal band concert have to do with sports? Well, at first? Nothing. However, the longer I stood next to the speakers, slowly losing every last hair cell in my ear, I realized there were quite a few similarities between death metal and one of our favorite teams out to the west.
I present to you, a comparison of death metal and the Oakland Raiders.
1→ Black on black on black
Of course, one of the most glaring similarities between the two is the shared fashion sense. Just as it was obvious I was walking up to a death metal concert, Raiders fans make it obvious they’re part of Raider Nation.
Spitting image, really.
2→ You can’t understand a word they say
Oh, you’re what? The Raiders are going to the Super Bowl in 2016? They’re going to win the division? Is that what you said? Both Raiders fans and death metal bands have a lot to say. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, you can’t understand a thing. It just sounds like a lot of screaming, whining, and nonsense. If you don’t believe me, type in “Raiders Super Bowl” on Twitter. At least I could look up GOATWHORE’s lyrics and get an interpretation after the show.
3→ They both have a superiority complex
One thing I noticed was the frequency in which the band made fun of “crappy music.” Crappy music, in this case, was any non-metal music. The concert felt like a group of people who thought they were super elite, but really, weren’t special. Though Raiders fans like to throw out their 3 Super Bowl rings, they haven’t been special since 2002. Both death metal artists and Raiders fans think they’re the best human beings to grace the Earth, while most everyone else thinks they are quite possibly the worst. Just win, baby?
4→ Fans express their feelings with fists, not words
Within the first ten minutes of the concert, a fight broke out and people were literally being thrown outside the venue by security. It’s no question that Raiders fans have a reputation for being the worst of the worst. Whether their reputation is deserved is up to you. However, multiple stabbings by Raiders fans can’t be denied. A course in conflict resolution and anger management should be requirements for all.
5→ One of them will surprise you
Hint: it’s not the Raiders. For as much shit as I’m giving this death metal concert, it was actually a pleasant experience. Though I can’t say I’ll be adding any of GOATWHORE’s music to my playlist, the band was friendly and willing to speak with fans. The fans (besides the ones thrown out), were all outgoing and not judgmental of a non-metal head like myself. I would be willing to go to another concert if copious amounts of alcohol were offered. No amount of alcohol would be enough to convince me to step foot in Oakland Coliseum.
Do you have any other ideas for some investigative reporting in the KC area? Tweet me and let me know at @SPROTSTAKES!