Seven Funeral Marches for Kansas State Basketball

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While the Kansas State Wildcats rose to 7th place with a conference win over Oklahoma State this past Saturday, the battle for a spot in the tournament is looking about as bleak as it gets. To cope with this team not going to the NCAA tournament (AGAIN) here are some terrifying, yet upbeat songs that relate a lot to Kansas State basketball** this season.

**not at all, but just go with it because ya know… humor.

Piano Sonata No. 2 (Chopin)
This is probably one of the most well known funeral songs, but I also like the fact I can hear some of the Undertaker’s theme music while listening. I can get hyped for a minute if I strain to hear something that is not really there… much like watching a Kansas State game and straining to see a well run offense and a solid game plan.

Symphony No. 3 (Beethoven) -Second movement: Marcia Funebre – Adagio assai
While this song seems to be a little bit more “haunting, yet surprisingly upbeat” for a funeral, it also lasts 14-18 minutes long… which is PLENTY of time for a half of Kansas State basketball to be imploding in the background.

The Eighth Variation from Benjamin Britten’s Variations on a Theme of Frank Bridge

Around the 12:26 mark, you can start to hear a Jaws-like theme in the lower notes (IDK WHAT ELSE TO CALL IT, SORRY) and you start to look around for a mammoth shark swimming under you, but then realize you’re in Kansas and this really doesn’t make sense to worry about a shark. So then, you start worrying about your favorite basketball team, Kansas State, and their inability to win conference games. That is when the real terror starts, my friends. This is a march of anxiousness and fear, much like our march into Morgantown tonight.

Chopin’s Marche funèbre for piano in C minor, Op.

You know when you are riding in the car as a kid with your parents and you just long for a day when you can have your own car and no longer have to listen to their terrible and incessant bitching? This is the song playing as you imagine the rest of your life being driven around in a minivan and listening to how you used all of the long distance for the month and now they are getting rid of the family dog to pay for your phone usage. Wait, what was I talking about? No clue, blacked out. Much like this incredibly somber little ditty, the vision of being stuck with Bruce Weber for so many more years is haunting and unsettling.

Alkan’s “Funeral March on the Death of a Parrot”

This starts off like I imagine most 4th grade performances that only have one person brave enough to play the tenor sax (or whatever the hell that is) starts… but back to the point… This title is absolutely hilarious because I have never seen a funeral for a parrot, let alone a song for a funeral for the death of a parrot. This is a friendly reminder to laugh about things we can’t control sometimes and then out of nowhere there are people singing and I am confused again. Hopefully the this song is foreshadowing that we will still at least beat KU once this year. Maybe? Parrots are at least REAL BIRDS AND NOT MYTHICAL.

Masonic Funeral Music by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

This is a powerful orchestral piece (see, didn’t call it a song) that ties together doom and gloom. Since our team is now finally out of 9th place, our 7th place spot is one of great pride and joy. The dramatic overtones seem to hint at a possible upsetting of West Virginia tonight… or maybe just at the very possible chance of Bob Huggins being upset on the sideline.

The Third Movement of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s String Quartet No.3

I felt very sad after listening to this. Not knowing why I felt an overwhelming sadness, I soon realized I was listening to a funeral march and remembered where I was and what I was doing. The somberness of this movement combined with a name that is hard to pronounce really makes me thing that this Pyotr guy might have been a seasonally tortured sports fan as well. Since Mr. Tchaikovsky died two years after Kansas invented (lol, no they didn’t) basketball, we are assuming he did not have any interest in Big 12 basketball, so that couldn’t be the reason for this sad song. Listen for yourself and let me know what you think, either way it was very well composed and the fiddles and keyboard sound especially pleasant to the ears.


Stay tuned for next week when we get you amped up with some battle hymns that sum up how it feels going into Allen Fieldhouse, home of the world’s worst air circulation and cooling system known to man. It’s like a giant steam room with very hostile people cheering for birds that are not even real.

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