Very Serious NFL Predictions: Thanksgiving Edition








Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday if you love a day dedicated to stuffing yourself silly, celebrating premeditated mass murder and pretending like actual historical facts can be best summarized with a cutesy picnic. We are missing the real meaning of Thanksgiving here, people. The true meaning of the fourth Thursday in the month of November? Watching NFL football with your damn near comatose family and friends. In the spirit of this marvelous football- holiday, let’s check out the matchups for this week’s improvement of Thursday Night Football!

Vikings @ Lions 11:30 AM CST

For those of you that would like to start avoiding your family as early as possible, settle in for this wild ride between former semi-talented college quarterbacks duking it out in the pros. Currently, these two teams are top of the dumpster fire of  the NFC North division. Aaron Rodgers hates his family, so it is a good thing he has all weekend off to think about his bad decisions, but these two teams don’t have that luxury. Detroit is coming in hot with the upper hand in almost every offensive category, including most nimble receiver with Golden Tate.

Going with the historical theme of this prediction article… Vikings are super magical creatures. Most of the time they are overgrown Scandinavian ogre types that are really good at not dying in the tundra. Sorry Vikings, this is Detroit. You’re going to need more than sweet fishing skills and cool hats to survive here. You’ll need automatic weapons or something everyone is scared of encountering… LIONS! Since humans used to be fed to lions back in the day, it is pretty obvious who will be victorious in this matchup.

Detroit wins by two touchdowns, no back flips.

Washington @ Cowboys 3:30 PM CST

Uhhh… Could there be a more offensive matchup on Thanksgiving? Too bad the NFL doesn’t have a “white settlers bragging about stealing land from the Native Americans” team! Oh wait, that would be the Patriots. Damn. Well, since Tom Brady is busy in the kitchen this Thanksgiving, we will settle for the second most offensive matchup… the Washington Native American Slurs @ the Dallas Cowboys. Ahhh, America. I would love to say that Washington would come out victorious in this game, but Jerry World will be rocking on Thursday afternoon with people so drunk they probably will yell offensive things and wear awful Thanksgiving themed costumes. This will be a tough environment for Kirk Cousins to come in and dominate, yet there is always a chance the Cowboys get back to their roots of shooting themselves in the foot anytime they get ahead. The Cowboys have the defensive upper hand and the home field advantage, this should be a close game with Dallas coming out ahead by a field goal.

Steelers @ Colts 7:30 PM CST

This is the holy grail of boring football. Two teams I cannot stand facing off against each other in the prime spot battling to go 6-5 instead of 5-6. WOOOOO! The excitement, I cannot contain myself. The Steelers pissed me off on October 2nd while exposing my beloved Kansas City Chiefs. For that, I am mad. However, I do not want to deal with Indy in the playoffs and they cannot win their divisions so I will go with Steelers to win this game. I also don’t want to face the Steelers in the playoffs but with the rest of their schedule, those dreams look about as squished as my own. Let’s just assume everyone will be too drunk and full to even THINK about being awake for this game and no one watches and they tie. Boom, problem solved.