A Rude Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Football

GAT1

 

Each September, millions of hopeful citizens of our gold medal-winning country compete against each other in fantasy football for bragging rights/weird trophies/embarrassing bets/straight up cash/their firstborn. Since our website has an all female staff, why not write about how to join in on the fun of fantasy football as a female?

If you’ve been on the internet for more than six months, I don’t have to tell you how stupid most “girl’s guide to (insert sports related thing here)” come across. They tell you the best party snacks to serve to woo your male guests. They tell you to “pray” for a great fantasy football position. They then tell you to draft running backs AS SOON AS POSSIBLE HOLY SHIT HURRY! One “girl’s guide to fantasy football” was so awful that the woman put pictures of Pinterest snacks in between spouting out hot garbage takes quoted directly from her husband.

Will this guide be helpful for who to draft and when?

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Will you have to do your own research on players and follow some awesome fantasy football pros on Twitter?

 

marshawn

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will this guide help you be competitive against your opponent each week and eventually dominate at least one person in your league?

This a realistic and honest guide about fantasy football that you need to pay attention to if you want to be a fucking winner. Excuse my brash takes, I’ve been watching too much a lot of Eastbound & Down.

No one else gives a shit about your fantasy team

This is a completely universal rule that applies to men and women across the nation. No one else gives a shit about your fantasy team. Talking about it constantly makes people hate you. However, the best place to talk shit about your fantasy team if you just can’t shut the hell up about it? Your league’s message board/smack talk/messenger feature. Ruffle some feathers and send some old school wrestling gifs of championship belts and finishing moves. If you still want to brag about winning something and can’t be a professional athlete, try sports betting. That shit is NOT for the faint of heart. If you aren’t winning assloads of money on a game with some obscure prop bet, literally no one wants to hear about you beating the office creep in a head to head match by 100 points that week. Sorry, not sorry. These are the facts of life.

Do your damn research

It’s not that hard. I’m not talking about figuring out who is the next big fantasy winner, I’m talking about figuring out who is injured and who is actually playing. This isn’t even hard, just know what the little medical flag next a player’s name means. Figure out who is coming off an injury, figure out who got injured in training camp, figure out who is prone to being a baby back bitch throughout the season. (Hint: Jay Cutler)

Thanks to my favorite person ever, @14TeamMocker, I have a list of the best fantasy football people to follow:
@Pat_Thorman
@LordReebs
@TJHernandez
@ChrisRaybon
@peteroverzet

Dexter Manley’s Library: expert fantasy football advice for the functionally illiterate
@Dexters_Library

Know your competition

Do you want to win? Good. This guide is still for you. If you want to make sure you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings, this guide is not for you. Go look for how to serve the best snacks and listen to advice from your mouth-breather husband on some other site. If you know someone sucks at fantasy football and they don’t know what the hell they are doing, take advantage of it.

What? I’m supposed to be some sort of brainwashed “love everyone” type that wants every female to win because they are a female playing fantasy football. No! That doesn’t even make sense. Just because you are a chick and playing fantasy football does not mean anyone has to play nice against you. Get over it and realize you do not get some sort of special sexy snowflake pass in your league. If you want to win, do what any aspiring Coach Belichick would do and spy on research your opponent’s roster and bench.

“Hey Jennifer, how about I give you Super Bowl winning quarterback Tom Brady for your Aaron Rodgers doofus guy that won’t talk to his sociopath charming Bachelorette winning brother for the first five weeks? If he doesn’t do well we can just trade back, it’s fine!”

“YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!”

Whatever, don’t feel bad. If you are in it to win it then this type of behavior has to occur right off the bat so people don’t try to mess with you. It’s not your fault Jennifer didn’t do her research.

Don’t drive yourself crazy with mock drafts

Check out a mock draft on your fantasy league’s platform just so you don’t look like a dumbass whenever the time rolls around to draft. Do at least one and try to get the worst score possible. Have fun with it, as I like to take that approach on most things in life. Take a defense in the first round, take a kicker as your second pick, and choose Jay Cutler as your quarterback next (Yeah, I really hate that guy). If you’re really feeling froggy, grab Tre Mason and claim that you just have a “feeling” that Gurley is going to get hurt. Spend the rest of your time in the mock draft chat going on about how JaMarcus Russell would have flourished behind the line that Derek Carr was gifted.

Do stay unbiased towards your favorite team

DON’T BE BLINDED BY YOUR FANDOM! JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE GOOD. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Sorry, my years as a Kansas City fan seem to be catching up to me. Just don’t be that dreaded homer with EVERY SINGLE PLAYER from your favorite team. Good news, if your team sucks and loses every single week, your fantasy team can be the team you cheer for as a last resort instead! Keep it professional, know that keeping a clear head will help you when you have to pick the players that win.

So now you might have figured out by now that the best way to play fantasy football is to follow the advice of Kenny Rogers…

“I know it’s late, I know you’re weary
I know your plans don’t include me
Still here we are, both of us lonely
Longing for shelter from all that we see…”

Shit, wrong lyrics. Still slightly applicable, but wrong nonetheless.

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run…”

There we go, play fantasy football in a calculated manner such as looking at a player’s opponent that week to see if the opponent sucks. If they do, maybe try playing that player. If a solid WR with a legit QB is going up against New Orleans (that allowed 464 points last year), then you should probably check them out. Week to week options are great if you are terrible at drafting. You can get someone off waivers that might only perform well that specific week. That’s ok. I don’t care if you love the shit out of the Chargers, you know that their O-line has been offensive in previous years. How offensive? Dee Ford (circular motion OLB for the Chiefs) even got three sacks against them last year.

Logically, last year, you could have taken whichever defense played San Diego’s weak O-line as they tried to protect a quarterback that wears bolo ties unironically.

Last but not least… You are your own worst enemy

The car is in the front yard and I’m
Sleeping with my clothes on
Came in through the window last night
And you’re gone…gone

It doesn’t matter if you know nothing about football or you are coaching little league in your free time. Fantasy football is for everyone. Do you think I’ve finished third in my league for the last six years without trying really hard? If you know nothing and decide to make zero effort to learn anything, then you might fail or might win the whole damn league. Perhaps you are like me and second guess everything and end up tinkering with your team enough that it collapses at the end of the season…let’s go get matching Tinkerbell tattoos together! If you don’t log in each week to see which players are injured or on bye week, congrats! Everyone else in your league hates you.

TL; DR: Log in, manage your lineup each week and be strategic. I believe in you.

(Editor’s Note: Next week’s article WILL teach you fantasy team building strategies!)

Questions? Comments? Leave one below or stalk GAT on @sprotstakes @SprotsGAT

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