It’s that time of year when teams all around the country that suffer from inadequate coaching, poor recruiting or just plain bad luck are left out of the March Madness fun. While KU fans do not know what this is like, keep in mind they DO suffer during college football season when everyone else is really excited about their team and they are looking forward to a midnight practice.
All jokes aside, here are some ways to pass the time so you don’t have FOMO during March Madness.
- Learn how to perfect your shadow puppet skills.
Not only is this the perfect party trick (as long as you have electricity and hands) this is ALSO a great way to show a future mate all the cool things you can do with your fingers. How neat is that! Be sure to Periscope or Snapchat your best shadow puppets in the process! LL Shadow P(uppets)!
- Drink green beer and claim to be Irish
One of my favorite pastimes has to be drinking Irish beer. I don’t mean ACTUAL Irish beer, I mean drinking Miller Lite that is dyed green. Everything is Irish once you dye it green, duh. So grab your friends that are Irish, or just wearing green, and join in the month long festivities celebrated around the world! Drink until you develop an Irish accent but whatever you do… definitely do NOT attempt to drive home. That is what the magical people of zTrip are for!
- Develop a gambling problem
Major Key Alert: PARLAYS ARE FUN!
I completely agree with this statement. Unless you are losing, who are you really hurting? March Madness may mean your team is totally out, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for missing all the action. Start making crazy bets and lose all your money. You may THINK you were sad about your favorite college team being out of the tournament, but just wait until you’ve lost all your money! That is true depression.
- Take up painting!
Nothing says “revenge” on your athletics department quite like no longer caring about your basketball team. Make sure to check out some Bob Ross videos and try to follow them as much as possible. This videos have taught so many people how to paint and he is basically the Picasso of landscape portraits.
- See a therapist!
It worked out well for Tony Soprano! C’mon, we all need to talk to someone, especially those of you that stay #madonline. What are you really mad about? Are you really oppressed or just up in arms about everything? Do you find yourself saying things like “THAT IS SO SEXIST!” when you are checking out in the self checkout and your machine isn’t as fast as the man in front of you? Then yes, you might need some therapy.
- Travel endlessly!
Alright, chances are you won’t make it further than Wichita with all the money you lose with sports gambling. For argument’s sake, let’s pretend you made a TON of money with your earnings. You can now take a trip to Sandals if you want. Like Sandals Antigua! Wait, this is a couple’s resort? Better find yourself a travel companion!
- Find a professional single to take on your travels!
All of us at Sprots Takes are goddamn professionals. This means we are totally qualified for this website I found when searching “Kansas City goddamn professionals dating other goddamn professionals.” Not only are people goddamn professionals, they are also looking for other goddamn professionals. HERE IS THE LINK SO YOU CAN GET STARTED ON YOUR ROMANCE AND LURE IN PEOPLE WITH A TRIP WITH YOUR POSSIBLE SPORTS GAMBLING EARNINGS! You don’t have to mention the trip is based on a very intricate 7 part parlay that may or may not happen… Definitely don’t have to mention the trip could be either Antigua or an all inclusive couple’s nudist resort in Alvord, Texas. Details, details…
These suggestions are definitely feasible and totally logical, so get excited about the possibilities of no longer caring about your college basketball team. Be ready for the exhilarating rush you will feel when you stop revolving your life around your team’s success in the NCAA Tournament. Try to imagine the type of freedom you will have when the annual “buy season tickets for next year” scam starts with your Alma mater and you will already be at Sandals Antigua with the love of your goddamn professional life!
However, if you happen to not follow any of this advice and decide to just be a seasonally depressed sports fan… come join us on March 24th at the Yelp KC event down at The Brass on Baltimore, one of Kansas City’s premier event spaces. Yelp is giving back to the community by throwing a swanky 1920s party benefiting The Family Conservancy and The Yellow Brick!