Nebraska’s Season, Game of Thrones Style

Like many of you, I am coming off a Game of Thrones season finale high. What a helluva show. The ups and downs of GOT reminds a girl of the 2015 Nebraska football season. There were tears, lots of alcohol, confusion, last minute heartbreak and all the swearing. As such, I would like you to join me in a “Game of Thrones” look ahead to the 2016 season. And like the killing of Ned Stark I will also provide WAY TOO EARLY PREDICTIONS.

September 3 – Fresno St

As always, the season opener makes me nervous. Nebraska opens versus a Mountain West team that went 3-9 last season. My honest hope is that Fresno plays the Huskers hard and does not inflate any egos without being truly tested. However, should the final be 70-3 I won’t complain. Seeing as I never know if I hate or love my team come season opener, I dub this game Ser Jaime Lannister. Such a great guy, so handsome, so witty. Oh he bangs his sister? Oh he pushed a child out a window to certain death? Oh he killed the King he was sworn to protect? Well…I’ll look forward to Jaime until he does something bad again. Last year’s season opening loss to Baylor was BAD JAIME. Can Fresno State please be GOOD JAIME? (Win)

Absolutely
Absolutely

September 10 – Wyoming

On to the Huskers second Mountain West opponent, the Wyoming Cowboys. Wyoming went 2-10 in 2015. And y’all thought our season sucked last year… All I can say is that if Nebraska can’t beat Wyoming I’m going to stock my entire pantry with vodka for the remainder of the season. I have no qualms with Wyoming. They seem pretty likable – a likable loser. Reminds me of Tommen Baratheon. What a great King…one little explosion and he’s ready to off himself? Smh. Considering Tommen never did anything all that interesting I am thinking Wyoming can live up to his stellar legacy and give the Huskers an easy and possibly boring win. (Win)

Awww, look at him try to be King. Adorable!
Awww, look at him try to be King. Adorable!

September 17 – Oregon

The Ducks had some bipolar moments to start their 2015 season but they ended on quite the win streak. Will they come to Lincoln prepared to continue beating Mike Riley? Riley lost 10 out of the 14 meetings between Oregon St and Oregon. Beating Oregon is basically Riley’s “Arya Kill List.” I picture him lying in bed naming off teams and #1 has got to be Oregon. As nice as Riley appears to be he really needs to summon his inner Arya and roast some duck. I mean literally feed the Ducks to their coach before landing the fatal blow, all the while smiling his great toothy smile down on the puddle of Oregon death. Buuuuuuut I am a realist and am already mentally prepared for this to be a loss. Mark your calendars, folks. Nebraska WILL lose this game. (Loss)

Yes I made this, that is why it is shitty - use your imagination, people!
Yes I made this, that is why it is shitty – use your imagination, people!

September 24 – @ Northwestern

Nebraska’s version of the Battle of the Bastards. This game has worked its way into a rivalry in my opinion. Much like my dislike for Ramsay Bolton, I really really really don’t like losing to Northwestern. I really really really don’t want to talk about losing games in the final minute EVER AGAIN. Enter Northwestern, my new enemy. While the odds of Nebraska winning a road game are NOT in their favor, let’s all cross our fingers and toes and legs and arms and eyes and hope for a win. Conjure up some Red Woman voodoo and DEFEAT THE ENEMY AND FEED HIM TO THE DOGS! (Win)

How I feel when Nebraska plays Northwestern
How I feel when Nebraska plays Northwestern

October 1 – Illinois

*ROLLS EYES*  Much like I didn’t enjoy Catelyn Stark and chuckled at her demise, I don’t want to talk about the Illini. Just beat them, okay? No excuses. (Win)

Still glad you're dead!
Still glad you’re dead!

October 15 – @ Indiana

Oh hey, Hoosiers. I can’t decide if this game will be likable or forgettable. Will it be attractive or will it drive me crazy with all its whining and crying? Will it be the annoying red headed sister or a badass seeking revenge on its enemies? Surely by now you have figured out the Husker/Hoosier game is essentially Sansa Stark. I can’t decide if it will be good or bad. While I would like to predict a win, I cannot. Coming off the bye week and away from home? That’s terrible. I hate. Indiana and Nebraska both finished the 2015 season at 6-7. The Huskers have a slight advantage in that they secured a Bowl victory but other than that these 2 teams both have the potential to make this game a total dumpster fire or somewhat competitive. In the end I do not see the Huskers pulling this one off. Also, I predict a Sansa death next season. (Loss)

22
Oh don’t look surprised, we’re due for another Stark death

October 22 – Purdue

This loss hurt real bad last year. What an eye-opener to how far the great can fall, the reality of Nebraska football. This level of sad is akin to the Princess Shireen being burned at the stake. What a bummer. No one felt good after that. The Boilermakers finished 2-10 last season. I want to come through my computer and punch that number 2 right in the face. Let this be a time for reinvention and redemption. (Win)

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October 29 – @ Wisconsin

Another team I’d like to exact revenge upon, The BADGERS. I’d like to rain fire on them like Dracarys raining fire on Daenerys’s enemies. Nothing would be so sweet than to wipe the smirks off those pompous Wisconsin jerks. I dislike Wisconsin almost as much as I hate Texas – and I HATE Texas. In the last 5 meetings, Wisconsin has racked up 227 points while Nebraska only has 123. Wisconsin has beat our ass to the tune of 104 points! Take back your freedom, Nebraska! The streak ends here! I want to believe this and I will have the fire going into the game but…104 points…(Loss)

dragons1

November 5 – @ Ohio State

How I have waited for this day – to finally play THE Ohio State again. It feels like forever since we’ve seen each other, Buckeyes. Of course the assumption is that Nebraska will suck it up and lose terribly. OSU is a legit powerhouse in not only the Big Ten but in all of college football. My prediction is that Nebraska will rise from the dead and claim their rightful place in the win/loss column versus OSU (since joining the Big Ten) and LEAD THE SERIES 2-1. Just as we learned Jon Snow’s true identity as highborn we will learn Nebraska is the true dominant in this game. (Win)

Yeah, f*** the fans! Jk, fans, come back please
Yeah, f*** the fans! Jk, fans, come back please

November 12 – Minnesota

“YAWN.” Get off my television, Bran! You’re boring. And how did you age so quickly? One season you were an annoying kid and the next you were an annoying teenager. As dull as the Minnesota matchup is, I do predict a win, and a solid one at that. For God’s sake, Huskers, HOLD THE DOOR ON MINNESOTA. (Win)

Mind blown
Mind blown

November 19 – Maryland

2nd wave Big Ten Conference joiner Maryland faces off against Nebraska at the end of November. Nebraska will be there to welcome Maryland into the loser’s circle. We feel your pain, guys. It sucks to suck. Maryland and Nebraska have basically been the Jorah Mormonts of the Big Ten – they just can’t win. They’ll never get the girl and they’ll never be conference champions. In fact, they’ll probably both die a horrible death after disgracing their fanbases and betraying those they were sworn to protect. Winter is coming, Maryland and Nebraska. The Terrapins finished 3-9 in their Big Ten go around…not the stuff of legends (see “Jorah Mormont”). Will the Turtles turn things around this year? Doubt it. (Win)

Main16

November 25 – @ Iowa

Final game of the season…wonder what our record looks like going into this game? 8-3 like I have generously predicted? That would be ideal. Like Tyrion Lannister, Nebraska will have revenge on its mind going into this game. We ended last year on a low note by letting Iowa beat us at home – unacceptable! Go into Iowa’s house and wreck the Hawkeyes! (Win)

Will the Huskers really finish 2016 with a hardy 9-3 record? No clue. That’s like trying to predict who is going to die next in Game of Thrones – it could happen to anyone and at anytime. Stay on your toes, Husker fans. Winter will be here before we know it…let’s hope for SEVERAL Husker wins to keep us warm.

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