Jay Cutler: Everything That’s Wrong With America

Setting an overall tone for his career, Jay Cutler was the third quarterback selected in the 2006 NFL Draft behind real whippersnappers like Matt Leinart and Vince Young.


Imagine Leinart, Cutler and Young sitting in a rookie quarterback meeting in that exact order. Imagine a standup guy like Kurt Warner giving out life lessons and career advice about the National Football League.

“Take a look to your left, take a look to your right. These men probably won’t last in the NFL.”

Out of the 2006 draft, very few people could have predicted Leinart and Young’s dive-bomb careers as starting quarterbacks and foreseen Cutler’s secure starting role with a big contract lasting into 2014. The experts have ragged on Cutler over the years for his attitude, his talent (or lack thereof), and his antics. There have been excuses made for him. There have been memes made of him. There have been Jay Cutler critics around since the day Jay Cutler became a “thing.”

I’m not here to do any of that. I’m here to say Jay Cutler embodies everything truly wrong with America.

Jay Cutler’s shitty attitude- To say America has a problem with entitlement and undeserving people thinking that they are owed something is a bit of an understatement. Not only does Jay Cutler have an amazing stank face, he has an equally impressive stank attitude. He blames teammates, coaches, fans, raccoons and immunizations for the bad things that happen to him. During his third year at Denver, Cutler stated that he has a better arm than Elway. Not only was this comical, but check out what that bad ass arm did on Sunday night against Green Bay:

Thanks, @SBNation

The reason America spawns generation after generation of overly entitled and demanding children is because they are all told they are special and better than everyone else. I recently witnessed it in a Target where a kid went full-Cutler and demanded he get BOTH toys that he picked out because he did his homework for an entire week straight. How did I get to know the entire story of this kid’s tantrum? Because his mother let him hold up a checkout lane in a suburban Target full of busy people for fifteen minutes while they decided on which toy her precious snowflake got. Spoiler: he ended up getting both toys!

Rewarding people for doing the things that are expected of them as kids or adults leads to complete and total inflation of actual accomplishments and this is to blame for every single idiot out there that brags on social media about how they did their dishes, laundry AND vacuumed their apartment and how they deserve a gold star for being an adult. You know, tasks that every other single human being (that has been able to make it to adulthood) can and should be able to do without reward.

Clearly, this issue is all Jay Cutler’s fault.

Jay Cutler’s misplaced anger/blame issues- Smug, smarmy, rage prone. Ask anyone who played with the laser-rocket arm at Vanderbilt. Ask anyone who played Legos with him in preschool. Ask anyone who has stood in line behind Jay Cutler ordering coffee. The guy has some anger directing issues. He likes to blame everything around him for why he is the way he is. From the day Illinois took their scholarship offer back and Cutler had to call Vanderbilt and see if they would take him, to the day that Cutler and Josh McDaniels went head to head and McDaniels ended up sending Cutler to Chicago… There have been lots of instances where Jay has blamed everyone around him for the reason for poor performance. This is so similar to the “blame everyone else” mentality that seems to take over in stressful situations.

Why are you so lazy? Well my job is exhausting! Keeping up with the Kardashians doesn’t leave me much time! I have allergies! The outdoors is full of allergies! Sunlight makes me itchy!

Why are you so fat? Food is unhealthy these days! I have no time to cook! Healthy food is too expensive! McDonald’s is easier than cooking!

Why are you addicted to your phone? I might miss the status update of that one girl I met at a kegger one time in college! I might miss the 82nd picture my middle school crush posted of their baby trying carrots for the first time! I might miss my old neighbor’s weather complaints! I could miss a tweet from someone! I have to keep up with what my friends are doing!


America is full of excuses, assholes, and more importantly, blame.

This is all Jay Cutler’s fault.

Jay Cutler smokes cigarettes- Smoking is disgusting. To have a professional athlete openly smoking things that kill you, destroy your lungs and ruin your body is just disgusting. This tumblr shows the blatant smoking quarterback’s highlights as a smoker. People who smoke smell terrible, look older and usually have a dingy tint to their teeth. TV shows with characters that smoke constantly are not to blame.

Check out SmokinJayCutler.tumblr.com

What child looks up to Don Draper?

What person says “I smoke because I want to be more like Jax Teller!”

Everyone that started smoking since 2006 has done so because of Jay Cutler.



Jay Cutler married a chick who thinks vaccines cause autismI don’t think that Kristin Cavallari meant to come off as a total and complete moron when she decided that modern medicine was not good enough for her precious snowflakes, but she did a great job of it. Thanks to Jenny McCarthy, there are idiots out there that think that not giving their kids vaccines (so that they can develop natural antibodies to diseases that could potentially kill the child) is the best thing to do. Then said idiots send their children out in the wild with other kids and everyone starts getting diseases that were formally dormant thanks to modern medicine. Neat!

Oh, she's also smokin' hot.
Oh, she’s also smokin’ hot.

So yes, this is another thing that is exclusively Jay Cutler’s fault for allowing Kristin Cavallari to have two kids and force her strange and uninformed agenda on. Can’t wait to hear the Cutlers are also against tin foil because it causes blindness when used improperly and fire because it is the leading cause of arson.

As you can tell, my arguments are very well formed and are hard to counter. If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Keep an open dialogue with your peers about how it is totally okay to witness a weather change and not post a status about it. Let them know that most people over 18 do their own dishes, wipe their own asses, and occasionally do their laundry all without getting trophies for doing so. Feel open to tell them that the reason they are fat is because of their own lack of ambition, drive and self-discipline. Inform them that smoking doesn’t make you look like Don Draper, but makes them smell like unwashed taxi cab carpets on the morning after New Year’s Eve. And please, for the love of Tebow, make sure that they are all aware that vaccines are a good thing.

Jay Cutler is a tornado of smugness, finger-pointing and stinky smoke. Don’t be like Jay Cutler.

Signed: The Partnership For a Jay Cutler-Free Kansas City

(Aka GAT)