Alright, ladies! Finally, a way to communicate to the Cro-Magnon types in your life that seem to only be able to grunt, burp and hit things during the game. Listen to this proven and totally well researched advice on how to get your man to sit still long enough to watch the game with you and reel him in with these not at all stereotypical tactics!

Psychological Approach:

As you know, men love beer and bacon. Be sure to talk about these two things as much as possible when waiting for the game to start. I REALLY LOVE BACON AND DOMESTIC BEER! WHAT AN AMAZING WAY TO SPEND MY DAY IN THE KITCHEN MAKING SOME BACON AND OPENING CANS OF BEER FOR YOU AND MAYBE COMBINING THE TWO AND MAKING YOU A BACON FLAVORED BEER DRINK WHOA THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND. Also, be sure to never wear pants around your man while watching the game. Positive reinforcement like partial nudity keeps them thinking that spending an entire day on the couch screaming death wishes at random players could possibly lead to sexual activity. Since men are such basic creatures that is all they need for incentive of spending time with you.

These distractions about every man’s favorite things will give you time to check out your man’s favorite team. Scout out who their rivals are and be sure to call every single player on the opposing team a homosexual slur of some type. If you also talk about sodomizing acts while describing these rival players! That will really win him over! He won’t even realize he’s being demeaned as a less-than intelligent male while you scream about how “Poo-holes likes it in his poo-hole! LMAO!”

The Trickery Approach:

When he starts to complain about the game cutting into his favorite forensics show, remind him that this is a huge game and it would mean so much to you if you could just finish watching. If he isn’t into your needs, which most men are not, just grab his crotch and suggest that he should just let the DVR get to his show, because he will be too busy getting victory blowies if your team wins. Also, if you are not feeling up to getting lockjaw just to watch your team inevitably let you down; go with the old staple of

“Just five more minutes, babe!”

This will let him know that while he is important to you, your needs of watching NFL RedZone until it goes off air are obviously more important. Be sure to use some distraction tactics as talked about above with suggesting you BOTH take off your pants, scream about bacon, spray him with beer (make sure he doesn’t get any in his eye, that’s just rude) and jump around without a bra on so he forgets that CSI: Tulsa is premiering tonight.

 

The Guilt Trip:

Be sure to remember every single detail where he has let you down or ruined something for you and throw it back in his face at every given chance. Don’t hesitate to bring up the time three months ago at the grocery store where you caught him staring at the cougar in the skin tight tracksuit in the produce section. Be vicious, be thorough with your insults. While he is busy being impressed by your homosexual slurs, be sure to think of times where he has just completely upset you and focus on those. Channel your anger to the point where you seem like you are so mad and upset with him but you are really upset that your team let this game go into overtime. This will make him seem inferior as well as remind him who really has the upper hand. He will feel terrible for hurting your feelings at that dinner party when you first met and he was with some other stupid girl and not in love with you the first five minutes you knew each other. Make him truly question his life choices and he will just sit there in shame while you finish up watching the game.
With all of these tactics to help engage your man in the wide world of sports, you should be fully prepared! These methods are in no way shape or form degrading or old-fashioned. If anything, this is cutting edge information that you should be able to share with all your girlfriends that seem to be dating girly-men disguised as a forward-moving male species. Since this fall sports season has already been full of upsets and tragic losses, be sure to stay tuned for “How to Handle Losing Like a Woman (and not a giant mangina),” coming soon!

Remember, if all of these tactics fail… just show him your tits.

marilyn

 

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