Hope you like alliteration, everybody! Welcome to the first week of me sounding off about fantasy football! While I may appear to be above all that (yeah, right) I am just as hooked on wishing concussions and bear attacks on random players throughout the year and turning around and hoping they do well to crush my frenemy in the league the next week. So I’ll give you the rundown of my teams and you can laugh at my pain, scoff and my ignorance or be jealous of my sweet waiver wire moves.
My go-to quarterback each year since he’s been around has been Stafford. This year I picked him for one league and Aaron Rodgers for another. Guess which one has been the biggest disappointment? Yep, good ol’ A.Ro. Like what the fuck man? I wasted a top pick on your jankity ass and you give me 6 pts one week, 28 the next and then roll over and die against Detroit. Do you know what kind of a world we live in where Nick Foles is dominating in the QB rankings week after week? A really fucking weird one. Andrew Luck and Matt Ryan are first and second in dominating my league’s QBR. With… (brace yourself) Peyton Manning and Jay Cutler finished as fourth and fifth after the allusive Nick Foles. I’m stunned.
You gotta be kidding me. So this week, since the Giants won a game and Washington’s defense is coached by Helen Keller, I… God… I can’t even bring myself to say it. Okay, here we go. I picked up Eli Manning off waivers.
*ducks from flying objects*
I DIDN’T WANT TO OKAY?! I HAD TANNEHILL AS MY BACKUP AND OH MY GOD I BET HE WONT EVEN BEAT DETROIT
My number one pick? Calvin Johnson. Opened up against the Giants and looked like Megatron, but thanks to some “issues**” in Detroit, I am only getting projected points at best for this guy.
Okay so that’s why Detroit is being Detroit-like, but what about Larry “Legs” Fitzgerald? Yep, he JUST started getting the ball more. It’s Week 4, give it to Larry Legs, Cardinals. If you don’t, you will never win another game. He has a season total so far of 9.70 points in my bro-league. Like, what? GTFOH. Is Todd Haley back at the Cardinals? Why is everyone missing the point of Larry Legs being the go-to receiver? Arizona has other weapons on offense? Well that is horseshit. HEY YOU GUYS WES WELKER GOT ME MORE POINTS THAN THE ENTIRE NEW ENGLAND DEFENSE ISN’T THAT NEAT?! SEEMING HOW WES WELKER ONLY GOT SIX FRIGGIN POINTS I WOULD SAY IT IS NOT NEAT AND THAT WAS SARCASM. I BLAME THE LADY.
RB’s are pretty golden for good ol “TASTE THE RAINBOW” with Marshawn Lynch and CJ Spiller. I think that CJ needs to get more TD’s but whatever. My problem is that Knowshown Moreno is out for I don’t know how long and it’s really fucking up my run game. On my ladies league team, I have D. Sproles which is basically like having a secret unicorn living in your basement. I’m pumped about the places that D. Sproles and I will go this fantasy season. I could put him in my pocket and travel the world! Oh… sorry, got carried away. I also put in for Alfred Blue, no not the geriatric dude from Old School, but Arian Foster’s backup that had a solid game but no TD’s after Arian pulled a hammy.
Tight Ends? Well. I don’t really know what to do there. Martellus Bennett continues to dominate week after week and Owen Daniels did a great job looking lost and yet still catching a ball for Baltimore. With Pitta out, I hope he’s the replacement since I already have him. Let’s take a moment and talk about my team’s namesake, Rob Gronkowski. Where to begin? Alright, this guy is an injury on a stick. He is basically Frankenstein at this point and is made up of so many battered parts yet somehow he still functions. However, my biggest issue with Gronk is that you can start to see the look in his eye when he’s getting open and maybe getting a touchdown. You know that look? Yeah, that’s the look of far away eyes. All Gronk wants to do is be balls deep in hot chicks, drink a shitload of beer and hit stuff. While I’m sure he is doing all of that before games, during half and after the games, I can just tell that his mind is elsewhere. It would not surprise me if Gronk is wifing up a dreamkiller** as we speak. Either way, he has a constant loop of “Oh give me a home where the sexy buffalo roam and the Natty Ice flows all day” playing in his head and for that, I will be making a game time decision of benching him. The dipshit commissioner in my ladies league didn’t let TE’s be flex players so I’m stuck using only RBs and WRs. Life is hard.
**dreamkiller = hot chick that distracts, takes away from the athlete’s talent and ruins them. (Ex: Kim Kardashian)
As far as flex goes, I have rotated between Larry Legs, Sprolesy, TY Hilton, Martellus Bennett or Owen Daniels. Weird ass combination, I know. But they have all had their good games (except fucking Larry Legs) so we will see how the season progresses. I am confident that I will bounce back from my BULLSHIT 1-2 record in my bro-league. (I have the most points for and against of anyone in the league…including the fucking winners each week) and my fluke 2-1 in my ladies league.
I know I didn’t give much advice here in this but I basically told you the state of the union of my teams, and I’m sure some of you share the same angst when it comes to these glorified pawns of our entertainment.
Leave me a note on here or hit up ask.fm/sprotstakeswithhotties to ask anonymous questions about your team for me to answer. Check back next week as I inevitably explode because Rodgers will have a career game and Eli will be intercepted or picked off on EVERY PASS.