Houston Texans:
Houston’s all around choices remind me of the boyfriend that is so afraid of his girlfriend’s temper that he tries to do all sorts of ridiculous things in order to please her but it is never enough. The only thing she wants is a ring. But, in order to make that happen, so many things need to change and the girlfriend was promised when they started dating that he wanted to marry her and give her that big ol ring. She’s starting to grow weary and becoming more psychotic as time passes. Sorry Houston fans, you guys are kinda drama queens. Last preseason you were going to the Super Bowl and totally unstoppable then you all faceplanted worse than I’ve ever seen. At least as Chiefs fans we never assumed a Super Bowl when we barely had a Beef O’Brady Bowl quarterback.
Atlanta Falcons: 
Don’t worry, Atlanta. Pioli might appear like he made some great moves and you all have hope and think he’s got it all together. You should not get too comfortable. Soon, he will do this to  you guys. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4327067 Read that and TRY not to cringe. Yep. You’re welcome. He has already yanked his former KC picks for  you as he yanked his former Patriots for us. Godspeed and remember this draft means nothing as you will never have Tony Gonzalez again.
St. Louis Rams: 
It’s okay, Rams fans, this team will never be the shining star of the overgrown dumpster of a city that you play in.  The Cardinals will always be St. Louis’ first born and most important and their is nothing you can do about this. Manziel might help but with your luck he would be a draft bust.
Jacksonville Jags: 

Is Tebow still available?

Cleveland Browns: 

If they don’t pick Johnny Manziel, they are missing out on being relevant just by association. If they DO pick Manziel they will probably ruin him and turn him into RyanJaMarcus LeafRussell. Potential to have a good draft yet Cleveland Fans are realists and know better by this point.

Washington Redskins: 
THEY WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE. Unfortunately I’m not sure that future is going to be anytime soon. RG3 luckily has his Subway deal so he doesn’t need your dollars but he does need some more receivers and shit. I don’t think that anyone likes him either so maybe try to make the draft picks be his best friend so he can have someone?

Dallas Cowboys:

I’m not sure if you are picking up on this or if I’m the only one, but Jerry Jones has been possessed by Al Davis. It wasn’t overnight but slowly Al Davis has made his way into taking over the most expensive franchise in America. Can you imagine Al Davis with Dallas Cowboy money? Yikes. Tracksuits for everyone! Regardless, you have some holes to fill. Like on offense, defense, special teams, Tony Romo’s head…

Detroit Lions: 

Matt Stafford is going to have a lot more weapons on offense this year and yet they still will not make the playoffs. Yikes. Oh and they still live in Detroit. Yikes.

Tampa Bay Bucs: 

Good news: You didn’t draft Josh Freeman.
Bad news: You are being led by Napolean Dynamite.

But you have a REALLY awesome pirate ship to get hammered on at games and also Revis Island… OH SHIT NO JUST KIDDING HE IS NO LONGER A PART OF YOUR TEAM. It’s okay, you drafted a bunch of help on defense so Vincent Jackson should totally be able to carry the team on his own.
Minnesota Vikings: 

You lost Josh Freeman AND Jared Allen. Where do you go from here? Well, watch out for Chicago on your schedule because Jared Allen will be coming for you. (Freeman not so much) Do you take Bortles? Carr? A cornerback? An enema? What do you do? Well, if you are Minnesota you are mostly terrified of playing outside for the first time in years and wonder if it will be a good excuse as to why Cassel STILL isn’t performing well for you. But really, this draft could help them with their defensive struggle and maybe see a few games better record under new leader Mike Zimmer.
Buffalo Bills:

The Bills have a hit and miss team. Mostly miss, but they have the components of a threatening team when they all work together properly. They need a tight end, an offensive tackle and to go to the playoffs. Their fans have some bad ass buffalo wings though. I would be a Buffalo fan just to eat amazing wings.

Tennessee Titans:

Do you count on Jake Locker? LOL. Do you create an underlying tension between Jake Locker and the QB you drafted to replace him as to which one will fuck up less in order to start? Do you count on McClusterfuck to get the job done? Do you miss Chris Johnson yet?
New York Giants: 

Eli Eli Eli Eliiiiiiii. Let’s get a line to protect this Eli-te QB and maybe you guys won’t be such a joke to everyone else. Maybe they will win another Super Bowl while big brother Peyton still barely fits into his helmet.
San Francisco 49ers: 

With eleven picks in the draft, you guys chose everyone who doesn’t drink and doesn’t smoke the drugs. Most of them are mormons and you drafted six kickers but at least they won’t be in jail all the time!!!
Pittsburgh Steelers: 

Bathroom Ben needs a replacement and I don’t believe your current backups will cut it. However, give Jones a chance and he could surprise you. But not in a bathroom or anything. Anyways, I would say that the “Steel Curtain” needs to rise again and actually be something scary and intimidating. Maybe start a search for replacements on D and get someone with matching hair to play for Polamalu so your fans don’t have a heart attack when he is gone?
Oakland Raiders:

Long live Al Davis! This team is a dumpster fire to end all dumpster fires but in Oakland a dumpster fire is the equivalent to a cozy fireplace in the safety of the suburbs. “Go big and stupid or go home” seems to be their mantra so I’m guessing they will draft TWO quarterbacks, not feed them for a while, show them DMX videos on repeat for a week, inject them with rabies and then put them in the same room together and see what happens. Whichever one is left standing gets the honor of taking all the blame for their lack of offensive weapons and lack of coverage on defense for the rest of the year!

Baltimore Ravens: 

If you want to be elite, you have to pay elite. You have to draft elite, you have to live, eat, breathe and sleep elite. You have to not draft players that like to drag their fiancee’s around on camera and get into trouble and alleged assault. Take a page from the 49er’s book and get six kickers! Let’s just hope that Baltimore finds a nice tight end and a couple of guys on defense that could help protect Mr. Elite Flacco.
New York Jets:

Vick, Geno Smith, Chris Johnson and Eric Decker? It’s like the happening spot for underwhelming guys that will never win a super bowl from here on out. Jets need to bring back that defense that once made them an opponent of fear instead of an opponent of rainbows and ponies and hugs. Sanchez being out at least stops the ridiculous notion that he will ever break the curse of USC quarterbacks.

Kansas City Chiefs:

My boos. Kansas City has the ability to make some deals and get some young talent just like everyone else does today, but they need to avoid thinking that they can break this mold.

yikes

Thankfully we  have such a mess on defense that we stuck to the basics and got replacements for our aging team.

Arizona Cardinals: 

Speaking of aging team…. Carson Palmer needs to be replaced, Larry Fitzgerald needs to be replaced and then the entire defense. Not easy to do with six picks! How does a team win ten games and still miss the playoffs? Rather impressive if you ask me.
Green Bay Packers: 

ANYONE AND EVERYONE ON DEFENSE HAS BEEN SELECTED AND NOW YOU GET TO PLAY WITH THE ONE AND ONLY CLAY MATTHEWS. YOURE WELCOME.
Philadelphia Eagles:

Chipperoo, what do you want to do? Would you like a wide receiver that is not speculated to be dangerous or in gangs? Well, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix decided you are drafting him so there you go. Odell Beckham being gone by the Chief’s pick would make Molls very very happy so this is what you guys are going to do. Thanks.

Miami  Dolphins:

Draft some mentally stable guys that didn’t get bullied their whole lives and like to take care of Ferraris instead of break their own. Also stop letting guys hang up picture’s of Tannehill’s wife in their lockers. But promise all your draftees a lunch date with her. Motivation.
Cincinnati  Bengals: 

WE DRAFTED ALL THESE YOUNG AND TALENTED PLAYERS AND WE WILL STILL LOSE IN THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR AND NOT FIRE MARVIN LEWIS. XXOO!
San Diego Chargers: 

Phillip Rivers is a crybaby and needs strong men around him to handle his tears of anger, joy, frustration and then his weird faces he makes when he feels all of those things.

Te’o was their highlighted choice last year because he can put up with imaginary things (like Phillip Rivers’ Super Bowl rings) pretty well. Te’o can also wrestle him to the ground when he is flipping the hell out and sing his favorite song to him as well. Now they just need someone to give great hugs and I feel like San Diego could be on their way.
Indianapolis Colts: 

With Captain Neckbeard having to keep it all together while Irsay drinks and drives and puts everything up his nose, Neckbeard needs protection and that is exactly what the Colts got him. They will now continue to ruin KC’s dreams at winning a playoff game until the team is moved to Brazil.
New Orleans Saints: 

Drew Brees could make any receiver look absolutely amazing regardless of talent level. Since he no longer has Sproles so they need to draft someone exactly like Sproles so with their pick. That being said, the new powerhouse target on offense is Tyrion Lannister. He needs a job and can be rather witty and fast moving if it means getting out of King’s Landing. This move will be not only a powerful statement to the NFL but a growing trend amongst teams to look outside of the actual pool of football talent and start seeing everyone as a potential weapon for Drew Brees.
Carolina Panthers: 

Cam Newton is Superman and every superman  needs his Lois Lane. But who will be that Lois Lane? Not in a romantic way but in an idealistic way. He needs a wide receiver but not in the way of Lance Nunnery and Darcy Sears at a football after party wide receiver. Whatever lucky lad is drafted by the Panthers, Duke and UNC fans can finally unite as Panthers fans and cheer for something together!
New England Patriots: 

Do they ever have a bad draft? Even Aaron Hernandez was a good pick until all this murderous stuff came out. Patriots are going to look to see what they are able to get in the 6th round quarterback wise and just taken all of Brady’s knowledge and stuff it into that quarterback’s head. I believe they have actually attempted to clone Brady but that clone won’t be ready until at least the 2017 season.

Chicago Bears: 

Maybe try vaccinating all your players or something because we know Jay Cutler will be the first one to contract and spread smallpox thanks to his wife’s brilliant science mind.
Denver Broncos: 

No one. The Broncos have too much and this is why socialism is popular in other countries.
Seattle Seahawks: 

See above.

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