Five Reasons The St. Louis “Cardinal” Sucks

Every thing revolving around the St. Louis “Cardinal” mascot is awful and as Kansas City goes into the I-70 Series at Busch/Bush Stadium, it is important to remember why. I’ve gathered some indisputable facts for you to consider sharing with those that cheer for this awful bird mascot.

1) The cardinal is the town bicycle of state birds.

In SEVEN states, the cardinal is holding it down as the state bird. These states include: Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia. The cardinal isn’t even the state bird of Missouri. Such BS. Guess what the state bird of Missouri is? THE EASTERN BLUEBIRD! BLUE AS IN ROYALS BECAUSE WE ARE WAY BETTER THAN SOME SKANKY CARDINAL!

2) The cardinal is for the weak

After reading “A Spiritual Field Guide to Birds” I felt well equipped to make an argument that only weak and not very bright people like cardinals. Why? Because cardinals are omens for “believing in yourself.” WHAT? If seeing a certain type of bird gets you all psyched about stuff, that can only mean that you are not of reasonable intelligence. Red is also the chakra for stability and boring stuff. So if you like being boring and inspired by seeing a red bird, be a St. Louis fan. The only thing consistent about St. Louis fans is how awful they are to be around.


Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been woken up by this awful and obnoxious sound? Listen bird, if I wanted to wake up and terrorize people with my voice, I would…BUT I DON’T SO PLEASE STOP MAKING NOISE AT 6 AM! What a selfish and truly terrible thing for cardinals to do.

4) Cardinals don’t migrate

This sounds a lot like most people who root for the Cardinals “Most cardinals live within a mile of where they were born.” LIVING IN YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT, MUCH? LOL. Like what kind of stupid bird doesn’t ever go anywhere. YOU CAN FLY! Try it sometime.

5) Cardinals are mean

The male cardinal is so stupid that he will fight a mirror if given the chance. Probably a window too. So in order to properly remove the great United States of these awful terrorist birds, everyone needs to buy stuffed cardinals to put in every single window possible so they end up becoming extinct. Then, and only then, will we know true peace and quiet.

Hopefully these helped you as much as they helped me, and I look forward to helping rid the world of this terrible bird with you all.
Side note: I predict Royals win the series 2-1 at Busch/Bush Stadium against these terrible creatures.