Wait, who is Travis Kelce?
For those of you non-Kansas Citians, or non-football fans, Travis Kelce is a tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. He caught 72 passes for 875 yards and was invited to the Pro Bowl this season. He just signed a five-year contract extension worth $46 million, making him the second-highest paid tight end in the league.
“@GlattersALesbo: Hey @tkelce what's your favorite type of milk to consume?” Always enjoyed the taste of good ole titty milk
— Travis Kelce (@tkelce) January 23, 2015
Okay, so what? Why does he get a reality show?
Not to start off on a shallow foot, but first of all he’s sexy. He’s 6’5”, 260 pounds. While he’s not an elite-level player, yet, he showed flashes of brilliance in the last season that have obviously made the Chiefs (and the E! network) decide that he’s a worthwhile investment. He’s also very entertaining both on and off the field, and doesn’t seem to give a flying f*ck what anyone thinks of him, a combination that has potential to be reality TV gold.
What makes this dating show different than all the others?
Honestly? Not much. Here are the Cliffs Notes:
–50 women (one from each state) will be invited to LA to participate in Kelce’s search for true love. Or something. Author’s notes: Why one from each state? Who is the most eligible woman in Alaska and can she compete with the most eligible woman from California? Also, why is this set in LA? Kelce is in KC for (probably) five more years and a quick Google search shows that he was raised in Cleveland. If we’re going with the guise that Kelce is looking for a lifelong partner, wouldn’t it make sense for it to be set somewhere more Midwestern?
–Kelce decides who stays in the house (similar to the Bachelor setup), however, PLOT TWIST, the WOMEN strategically decide who will attend important group dates. (Backstabbing ensues, I’m guessing).
At this point, this is really all we know. But from the network that brought you the Keeping up with the Kardashians and all the The Simple Life, you know there is going to be some extra cheesy group dates and dramatic moments cooked up for effect.
How will this affect Kelce’s football career?
The show is only 8 episodes and will be filmed during the off-season, so I’m guessing Kelce is going to be finding a soulmate in a month or less. Unless one of the women scorned gets extra crazy and tries to cut his Achilles or something, I don’t think this will have a negative impact on his career.
So what are we gonna do about it?
A drinking game is a must. I can’t handle one of my favorite Chiefs acting like a reality show ho without a significant amount of wine in my system.
We are also considering a fantasy league for this, with a scoring system similar to Grantland’s Reality TV Fantasy League. Some examples include:
• Female Crying: 5 points
• Male Crying: 20 points
• Saying, “I didn’t come here to make friends”: 10 points
• Trying to make someone cry and succeeding: 25 points
• Plugging an acting, modeling, or singing career: 10 points
• Open-mouth kissing: 5 points per participant
• Coitus (or pulling over covers in bed): 25 points per participant
• Denying coitus: 10 points
• Participating in threesome: 50 points per participant
• Intentional nudity: 20 points
• Unintentional nudity: 5 points
• Revealing past career in pornography: 50 points
• Verbal Fighting: 5 points
• Physical Fighting: 25 points
• Decisively winning physical fight: 25 points
• Throwing drink in someone’s face: 5 points
• Being restrained or lectured on camera by security or production staff: 25 points
• Requesting to be assaulted: 10 points
• Attempting to fight show’s host: 100 points
• Vomiting: 10 points
• Being kicked out of bar or club: 20 point
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