Last night’s The Bachelorette was lit, fam. So many thirst traps and I believe that JoJo might be a trap queen. Whoa, did I just use every single phrase that our life coach hates? That is pretty neat.
also, the phrases trap queen, thirst trap, and lit fam make me legitimately angry.
— Nathan Cosby (@natecosby) June 28, 2016
So around 10:30, I realized I had an episode of The Bachelorette to watch and quickly began to hate my life (again) because THE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY OF REPORTING BACK TO YOU TODAY WITH THE SCOOP OF WHAT WENT DOWN! Megan is catching up on the show today, so she won’t be reading this article so I get to say whatever I want. Brace yourselves.
Last week we saw Derek sneak into the group of guys that JoJo actually salivates over because he stepped up his game. Also Derek lectured some dudes about their behavior. LOL. We saw Wells step it up to give Chad a funeral with his leftover protein powder. Also last week we saw the departure of Evan, aka “Dick Doctor,” which was what we’ve all been waiting for this season.
This week we are in Buenos Aires, Argentina because dating in your own country is completely not feasible for this show. JoJo and the now single Chris Harrison sit on a bench and he reminds her of how Ben fell in love with two people and that it could easily happen to her. Rude, man.
The guys are excited about seeing JoJo for the first time in like twelve hours and they have to act like their hearts are aching. The announcement of a 2 on 1 date is made and the dramatic music starts playing and they realize on the 2 on 1 date that SOMEONE HAS TO GO HOME FROM THAT DATE… man… all the bro tears.
They get back to their fancy hotel, and James Taylor gets excited because OMG DO I EVEN BELONG HERE EVERYONE ELSE IS SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ME AND OMG IM SO SHY AND SO HAPPY TO BE HERE! Quickly, the one on one date is announced and Wells is really nervous because the description on the card says “KISS ME KISS ME U FUCKIN WEIRDO!” This might not be the actual translation, but the news of Wells never kissing JoJo makes the pack of bros start giggling. James Taylor feels better about himself since he needs little reassurances that he isn’t the worst ALL THE TIME.
Wells could have easily done a power move and kissed JoJo right in front of everyone and made it obvious that he’s here for the right reasons….but he stuck with the friend hug. (THIS IS ALL FORESHADOWING TO THE IDEA THAT WELLS HAS BEEN FRIENDZONED BY JOJO) They go on their date, they both realize the spark is not there and Wells goes home. We are all floored by this* (*hahahahahaa no) and we spend a moment of silence for our homie Wells.
Next, we see some dudes make out with JoJo then Chase and Derek arguing but the REAL obnoxious moment of the show is when the irritating James Taylor has one on one time with JoJo. Not only does he sings “Fire and Rain” to her, the sensitive and insecure James decides to throw pretty boy Jordan under the bus. We get to see snitches whining about how Jordan Rodgers has a billion watt smile and has been in magazines and how great he is and how entitled he is and how smart he is and blah blah blah. WHEN IS IT AT ANY TIME A GOOD IDEA TO THROW SOMEONE ELSE UNDER THE BUS AND TEAR THEM DOWN TO MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER? Jordan is cocky, we can all tell that. James is terribly insecure and compares himself to the other guys constantly, which is off putting as hell. We get it, you aren’t the muscle man of the group, but there is no need to tear down another guy to try and give yourself the edge. This doesn’t sit well with JoJo and she confronts Jordan. Oh boy.
Confronting an egomaniac with knowledge of someone else thinking they are an egomaniac typically does not go well. Jordan gets defensive and wants her to know that James Taylor is WRONG. Then, once back in the room, Jordan sit right next to James in the ultimate power move and asks him straight up what his problem is and what he told JoJo. FINALLY, we have a guy that just confronts problems. Do I agree with Jordan’s usage of the word “pathetic?” Yep. James sneaking around like that was whack, handle your problems directly with that person.
Then we see Derek and Chase making out with JoJo and I am just sitting here wondering when she brushes her teeth or if she does in between all this making out because wow, that is a lot of people just all up in your face. I would just drink more and let the alcohol kill off the cooties. Derek admits he’s falling for her, Chase admits he’s falling for her and then Derek gets sent home. This shit is boring and predictable.
GOOD NEWS WE ARE ALMOST DONE WITH THE ROSE CEREMONY!
SENT HOME ALREADY THIS EPISODE: DEREK AND WELLS
OH NO JOJO IS CRYING AGAIN AND CAN’T SEND OVERLY SENSITIVE WHINY GUY JAMES TAYLOR HOME AND TINY LITTLE MAN ALEX HOME SO SHE SAVES THEM BOTH.
There, I just saved you two hours of your life you can never get back. I hate myself for watching this and more importantly for being so into it now. Don’t tell anyone.
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