The Bachelorette: Episode Seven


We are down to The Bachelorette Final Four. During March Madness, using the term “Final Four” would seem like an appropriate thing to do. However, we are in July and it is just simply weird to be producing daily content during the slowest week of sports all summer. As you can see from my highly skilled photoshop job of the men above, Alex and James Taylor are finally sent packing.

Why did I hate these two contestants? They were crybabies. You could tell that James Taylor had never dated someone as physically attractive as JoJo and that he was intimidated by the other pretty (yet super manly) dudes in the house. You could tell Alex was so freaked out by Chad that he went crying to JoJo about Chad’s behavior. I think Alex was almost more into teaming up with his housemates to hate Chad than he was JoJo because he peaked on the episode that Chad was sent home. Fast forward to this episode? Alex is cuddling with horses.

I’ll skip over how JoJo gave James the classic speech of “YOU DESERVE SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS YOU SEEM TO LOVE ME AND OMG THAT GIRL IS GOING TO BE SO LUCKY WHEN SHE GETS YOU!” I beg to differ. The type of man that is pined over by the women that I know? Emotionally unavailable, not quite ready to settle down, thinks you are neat but not that neat and will date you for a while only to marry the next girl they meet after they call it quits with you. James, you will find someone that likes your “woe is me” vibe but it won’t be someone like JoJo.


Not to worry, this final four doesn’t come with an obnoxious Nelly song!


How is it that I still know absolutely jack shit about Chase and we are this far deep into the show? I know that out of Derek and Chase, Derek went home. Chase is boring and that is what I’m getting to in this analysis of his time with JoJo. Definitely going home next unless he pulls something magical at the hometown dates.


Normally I would dog on a grown ass man having the name of a child, but most people call me “GAT” and that seems weird to rip on someone when you’re just as guilty of having a weird name. If I were JoJo, I would wander around the house screaming “ROOBBBBBAAAYYYYYYYYY” a la Whitney and Bobby’s phenomenal reality show. Robby seems to be VERY confident in his position in the house and gets angry when no one calls him a frontrunner. The one thing I will give him props for is that bad ass Harry Potter style tie from this week’s episode. Gryffindor 4 lyfe. Robby will probably make it next week unless he lives in a van down by the river and even then JoJo might need a charity case to take pity on now that James Taylor is gone.


I feel like I’m taking crazy pills when I try to justify that Jordan is just here for fame whoring. AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?! Not only does Jordan look like he’s convincing himself that he is in love, JoJo seems to be buying every damn minute of it. Why? Look at him. He’s more adorable than most men I’ve seen in my lifetime and flips his hair with the ability of our fav, Drew Butera.

At this point in the show I have to ask myself which is more impressive:
Scenario A:

Being so dedicated to boosting his career, Jordan fake falls in love with someone that has been humiliated on TV once before, throws his VERY famous brother under the bus and then enjoys a giant vacation revolving around fighting for a chick that may or may not pick him in the end. After pretending to love her and sleep with her, Jordan comes clean as not being THAT into her and sends JoJo back into the wild while he sits on a performance of a lifetime and gets signed with a network to start his sports broadcasting career. Becomes the next Tim Tebow with half the resume builders, none of the virgin benefits and we all know he’s a bit of an asshole. Okay so he becomes nothing like Tim Tebow, just becomes the next face of the SEC Network.


Scenario B:

Being so dedicated to finding love, Jordan falls in actual love with someone that has been burned on national TV once before, throws his VERY famous brother under the bus and suffers through fighting for JoJo’s attention with a buncha other dudes just to come off like an asshole. Not only would I think his acting skills are garbage, I would start to question if he is even capable of love let alone sports analysis on a network. We all know acting skills and sports analysis go hand in hand, CAN HE EVEN FAKE BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE SEC SCHEDULE HALFWAY THROUGH THE YEAR WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING CUPCAKE SCHOOLS?!?!?! He ends up suffering through a lifetime of being pretty and built perfectly and always being in the shadow of his much more famous brother.


Not only are Luke’s cheekbones the star of this show, HE HAS THE BEST MOVIES OUT OF ALL THE BACHELORETTE CONTESTANTS!

Jordan’s movies:

Gladiator, Wedding Crashers, Princess Bride

Robby’s movies:

Man on Fire, The Wolf of Wall Street, Interstellar

Chase’s movies:

Gladiator, Ace Ventura, The Chronicles of Narnia

Luke’s movies:

Lonesome Dove, Forrest Gump, Step Brothers

Clearly this is our clear advance to the final two and I don’t even need to talk about how hot it was that he was so comfortable in the saddle. Get it, Luke.

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