- Denver Broncos (12-4)
- Kansas City Chiefs (10-6)
- San Diego Chargers (9-7)
- Oakland Raiders (5-11)
Let’s all just take a moment and remember how awesome Super Bowl XLVIII was.
2013 Record: 13-3
2014 Draft: The Broncos drafted Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State), Cody Latimer (WR, Indiana), and Michael Schofield (OT, Michigan) with their first three picks.
Off-season Acquisitions: The Broncos didn’t sign all that many free agents, but the guys they signed were a pretty big deal. They added DeMarcus Ware (DE), Aqib Talib (CB), and T.J. Ward (S) on defense. The also signed wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders (after he agreed to a deal with the Chiefs but whatever I didn’t want him anyway but he’s still kind of a douche).
Off-season Losses: The Broncos lost quite a few notable names this off-season, including Knowshon Moreno (RB), Eric Decker (WR), Wesley Woodyard (OLB), Champ Bailey (CB), and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (CB).
2014 Prediction: This is, possibly, the last season of Peyton Manning’s career (FINGERS CROSSED). The Broncos went all out. Fucking Broncos. I imagine they’ll replicate their 2013 season and win this division again. I’ve got them going 12-4 this year.
Kansas City Chiefs
2013 Record: 11-5
2014 Draft: Well, they didn’t draft Johnny Manziel. Fucking Cleveland. Whatever. The Chiefs only had six picks in this draft, but I think they made them count. They chose Dee Ford (DE, Auburn) with their first pick. Phillip Gaines (CB, Rice) was their second selection. Dynamic running back/kick returner De’Anthony Thomas (Oregon) was their next pick, AND HE TWEETS IN ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME SO BASICALLY HE IS MY NEW FAVORITE PLAYER. Their last three picks were Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray, Tennessee guard Zach Fulton (who is vying for a starting spot on the offensive line), and offensive tackle (and Canadian) Laurent Duvernay-Tardif.
Off-season Acquisitions: The Chiefs didn’t make a splash in free agency, but they quietly signed some guys that they hope will be solid contributors. They brought in Jeff Linkenbach (G), Vance Walker (DT), Joe Mays (ILB), and Chris Owens (CB). Another guy I’m going to throw on this list (because he missed the entire 2013 season due to injury) is Travis Kelce. Kelce has size and speed and if he can stay healthy (and I HATE any sentence that begins with “if he can stay healthy” but it is what it is, man), this guy has the potential to be a real difference maker this year.
Off-season Losses: I STILL DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I MISS YOU.
The Chiefs lost a lot of players to free agency, including Dexter McCluster (WR/KR), Branden Albert (OT), Jon Asamoah (G), Geoff Schwartz (G), Tyson Jackson (DE/DT ), Akeem Jordan (ILB), Dunta Robinson (CB), Kendrick Lewis (S), and Quintin Demps (S).
2014 Prediction: I go into every season expecting the Chiefs to go 16-0 because, I mean, why wouldn’t I? But since this is my prediction for what I actually think will happen, and not what I want to happen, I’ll adjust it a little. The Chiefs have a tough schedule this year, but I’m putting my faith in John Dorsey and Andy Reid and their ability to not only evaluate talent, but to coach it up. I have the Chiefs going 10-6 this year, winning a wild card spot, AND WINNING THEIR FIRST FUCKING PLAYOFF GAME SINCE I WAS 9 YEARS OLD. #BoldPrediction
2013 Record: 4-12
2014 Draft: The Raiders used their first round pick on Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo). Next they chose the Fresno State quarterback, Derek Carr. Their next few picks were Gabe Jackson (OG, Mississippi State), Justin Ellis (DT, Louisiana Tech), and Keith McGill (CB, Utah).
Off-season Acquisitions: HAHAHAHA. The Raiders brought in Matt Schaub to be their starting quarterback. HAHAHAHA. They also signed the ever-spry running back Maurice Jones-Drew. Their one solid signing was wide receiver James Jones, but with Matt Schaub at the helm, it won’t really matter. To shore up that defense they brought in Justin Tuck (DE) and (and Lamarr Woodley (DE/OLB). Are we sure Al Davis isn’t still alive, you guys?
Off-season Losses: The Raiders lost running back Rashad Jennings and speedster wide receiver/kick returner Jacoby Ford. They lost a handful of other guys but I don’t really know who they are and let’s be honest, none of us really care.
2014 Prediction: HAHAHA. I mean, come on. Seriously? Matt Schaub is a dumpster fire. The Raiders signed a bunch of veterans who are past their prime. They have no idea how to draft. Nothing has changed. This team will go 5-11 and suck.
San Diego Chargers
2013 Record: 9-7
2014 Draft: The Chargers drafted Jason Verrett (CB, TCU), Jeremiah Attaochu (OLB, Georgia Tech), and Chris Watt (OG, Notre Dame) with their first three picks.
Off-season Acquisitions: Well the Chargers stole my boo Brandon Flowers (CB) and now I’m going to cry every Sunday Morning. It still hurts. Fuck off. The Chargers also signed back up quarterback Kellen Clemons and running back Donald Brown.
Off-season Losses: The Chargers lost Charlie Whitehurst (QB), Le’Ron McClain (FB), Cam Thomas (NT), Derek Cox (CB), and Johnny Patrick (CB).
2014 Prediction: The Chargers are the Chargers, man. #Analysis, I know. I think they’ll probably do about what they did last year. I will never consider Philip Rivers a top quarterback, and that’s probably because I can’t stand him but whatever, I’m an emotional fan. I have the Chargers going 9-7 and finishing in third place in this division.