- Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
- Tennessee Titans (8-8)
- Houston Texans (6-10)
- Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12)
Dat beard doe.
2013 Record: 2-14
2014 Draft: The Texans had the number one overall pick. (Because they were really shitty last year.) They chose defensive standout Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina). With their second pick they chose Xavier Su’a-Filo (OG, UCLA) who Gat and I affectionately nicknamed Chick Fil-A. With their third and fourth picks they chose CJ Fiedorowicz (TE, Iowa) and Louis Nix III (DT, Notre Dame).
Off-season Acquisitions: The Texans hired Bill O’Brien (former Penn State head coach) as their new head coach and offensive coordinator. They brought in Ryan Fitzpatrick, who I guess will be their starting quarterback? Yikes. They did draft Tom Savage (QB, Pittsburgh) in the fourth round, so he may get thrown to the wolves at some point. They also added running back Andre Reed, safety Chris Clemons, and superstar (JK, you guys) Kendrick Lewis.
Off-season Losses: They lost roughly half their team, which is probably a good thing. Among those to leave Houston were Matt Schaub (QB), T.J. Yates (QB), Ben Tate (RB), Lestar Jean (WR), Owen Daniels (TE), Antonio Smith (DE/DT), Earl Mitchell (NT), Joe Mays (ILB), and Danieal Manning (S), among others. (That’s literally not the whole list.)
2014 Prediction: More suck. Oh hey did you guys know Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? No one mentions that, like, ever. Anyway. I don’t think he’s very good. Dat defense doe. The defense will probably win them a few games. But they paid little attention to their offense and I don’t see this team improving all that much. I see the Texans going 6-10.
This is what I imagine every time Andrew Luck speaks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ltORkYAdVk
Also, fuck you, Colts.
2013 Record: 11-5
2014 Draft: The Colts only had 5 picks in the draft. Whatever. They’ll still probably crush my dreams. They chose Jack Mewhort (OT, Ohio State), Donte Moncrief (WR, Ole Miss), Jonathan Newsome (DE, Ball State), Andrew Jackson (ILB, Western Kentucky), and Ulrick John (OT, Georgia State).
Off-season Acquisitions: The most notable offseason addition for the Colts was wide receiver Hakeem Nicks. Nicks has battled various injuries throughout his career, but he has been really impressive when healthy. They also signed Phil Costa (C), Arthur Jones (DE/DT), D’Qwell Jackson (ILB), and Mike Adams (S).
Off-season Losses: The Colts lost running back Donald Brown and wide receiver Darius Heyward-Bey. They also parted ways with Mike McGlynn (G), Jeff Linkenbach (G), Samson Satele (C), and Antone Bethea (S).
2014 Prediction: Luck has weapons. Reggie Wayne, Hakeem Nicks, T.Y. Hilton, and rookie Donte Moncrief (who looks like he could be a stud). Their running game leaves something to be desired though. Remember when we all laughed at that Trent Richardson trade? Welp. He definitely needs to start not sucking if he wants to keep his starting job. But the Colts are the Colts and Andrew Luck is the second coming or something, so you know, they’ll go 12-4 and win this division.
Do I even need to do this one?
2013 Record: 4-12
2014 Draft: With their fist pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Blaine Gabbert. Wait. Blake. Blake Bortles (Q, Central Florida). My bad. Different name, same player. They used their next two picks on wide receivers Marqise Lee (USC) and Allen Robinson (Penn State).
Off-season Acquisitions: The Jags signed running back Toby Gerhart. Gerhart spent four seasons with the Vikings, mainly playing in short-yardage situations. Other notable signings included offensive guard Zane Beadles and defensive tackle Ziggy Hood (MIZZOU MADE).
Off-season Losses: The Jaguars parted ways with their previous quarterback, Blaine Gabbert. They also lost running backs Maurice Jones-Drew and Justin Forsett.
2014 Prediction: LOL. No, really. The Jaguars tried to get better, in the same way that I try not to yell on Twitter. Blake Bortles is Blaine Gabbert. This is the Twilight Zone. Sit back and enjoy another solid 4-12 season.
2013 Record: 7-9
2014 Draft: The Titans selected Taylor Lewan (OT, Michigan), Bishop Sankey (RB, Washington), and Daquan Jones (DT, Penn State) with their first three picks. They also drafted LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger with their sixth round pick.
Off-season Acquisitions: One of the biggest off-season stories for the Titans was the hiring of Ken Whisenhut to replace Mike Munchak. The Titans brought in veteran(ish) quarterback Charlie Whitehurst. They also signed Dexter McCluster (WR/KR), Michael Oher (OT), Eric Olsen (G/C), Shaun Phillips (DE/OLB), and Wesley Woodyard (LB).
Off-season Losses: The Titans lost some notable offensive names, including quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, running back Chris Johnson, and wide receivers Kenny Britt and Damian Williams. Although the loss of Johnson and Britt probably made this team better. They also lost David Stewart (OT), Alterraun Verner (CB), and Rob Bironas (K).
2014 Prediction: The Titans were almost average last year. Jake Locker’s alright if he’s healthy. They added some pieces, they lost some pieces, but ultimately I think they’ll remain about the same. I don’t think they’re going to wow anyone, but I think they will find themselves quietly going 8-8 and finishing in second place in this dog shit division.