Side note: This originally appeared on my site, NotoriousGAT.com, but is now on Sprots Takes because I freakin’ said so.

A Female’s Guide to Fantasy Football:

Alright so you want to play in the office league, the league with your dude and his friends or just dominate in fantasy football in general but you don’t know the slightest thing about this sport of fake teams and super inflated egos? Have no fear, I was once in your position and then overcame my struggles and started kicking ass. While I am not going to go into what players to draft, what defense is going to dominate this year, what players to add to your watch list, etc. I will be talking about the general concepts and the best ways to prepare yourself mentally for this upcoming season. I will eventually share with you (in a later post) my ultimate fantasy football team.

I am the proud mentor to my friends and family that hound me with fantasy football advice and I am here to help you. I have FOMOFF**. I cannot help but be the “Tinkerbelle***” of the league and constantly look for greater advantages and better team structure all year round and I end up trying to micro manage every person’s team that I meet. It is a problem and I am not seeking help for it at this time. However, I am just embracing my problem and realizing it could possibly benefit others this year as well. While most men might think they have everything in life figured out and that no female could ever trump their skills and knowledge, they also know deep down that is not true. A couple years ago in my bro-league we had another female join us and suddenly I was no longer the lone chick in a pack of dudes. Guess what happened? She ended up smokin’ everyone week after week. It was embarrassing for the guys and awesome for us. She finished first and I finished third. I also had a baby during that time so my end of the season finish wasn’t as legit as I wanted it to be, but alas the baby needed me more than my lineup did. How rude.

Going into 2015’s FF season I am a little bit over my head with other tasks and haven’t had a chance to get my detailed plan ready for our FF draft on September 1st… If you want to join our league go HERE!

 

**FEAR OF MISSING OUT ON FANTASY FOOTBALL

***Tinkerbelle = someone who constantly tinkers/changes their lineup and can never feel that they have made the right decision. Often experiences anxiety and regret with “shoulda coulda woulda” syndrome.

 

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Suggestion #1:

Drop your hatred for other teams/certain players and start looking at who is BEST AVAILABLE!
Because I am a stubborn and very loyal person, it is hard for me to take feelings of hatred of certain players or teams. As a lifetime Chiefs fan, I have a lot of rage against Denver. However, last year, Peyton Manning would have been a pretty good QB to have. (Ya know, minus that pathetic Super Bowl) I could not force myself to choose Peyton because in some aspect I would have to root for him all of the time. I love Peyton Manning so it is hard enough to see him at Denver when I just wanted him to go ANYWHERE but there. So I passed on Peyton Manning. That was a mistake in fantasy football world. Whether it is a player that you couldn’t stand while they were at such and such college or a team that you’ve hated since birth… Sometimes those teams have the best players and YOU have to capitalize on their availability. So you start looking at players more objectively instead of letting feelings of rage get in the way of scoring 10 extra points and winning your match-up.

 

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Suggestion #2:
Have a plan before going into your draft.
If you aren’t able to make the draft and have an issue with scheduling, it is important you have a queue of people you want on your team so you can at least have some say in it. I prefer doing a live draft and I even end up doing a few mock drafts a day before I feel truly comfortable with my picks/lineup. Going into your draft with a plan of attack is a good way to prepare for a player you were dead set on not being available and AHHHHH PANIC SETS IN! Just look down the list, see what else you were looking for and select those players if available. I am most familiar with Yahoo Fantasy Football and there is always a “rankings” order that the draft can be set to follow. It automatically shows you what is the best projected person for each position you are looking for. This makes it easy to figure out a backup for your pick. I like to make an outline form of each position and my top three choices with some back up choices ready for the later picks. This just ensures that you will not be thrown a curve-ball at the time of the draft and you can rest easy if your pick comes around and your first choices are all gone.
Suggestion #3
Keep up with your shit.
Don’t be “that girl” that never remembers their players are out on IR (Injury Reserve), that your starting QB has a bye week, etc. One advantage I used last year was looking at the team’s overall performance. I knew that Jacksonville was terrible and that St. Louis played them that week. So naturally I picked up Bradford, started him that week against Jacksonville and he had record high numbers. I continued that with teams that played Cleveland, Houston or Jacksonville each week because I knew they would have high numbers against these pretty awful teams. This is just an example of using the best possible advantage to have a winning edge in your league. Staying up to date with roster changes and tuned into the league in general will definitely help with your season performance. If you don’t have time to troll the internet for these updates, I would suggest turning on notifications on your phone for your players and don’t be afraid to drop non-performers for a guy who at least gets points up each game. Mastering the art of trade is pretty much the hardest part of fantasy football because knowing if certain players are going to have a monster game the moment you trade them is part of the trade remorse some people experience. I had Tavon Austin (that I mockingly called TayTay for the longest time) and I traded him because he did nothing for the longest time. Then one Sunday he scored like a thousand TD’s and had more yards than the other team combined. HE WAS OFF MY TEAM ONE WEEK! I was so annoyed. But it’s part of the experience. Get used to heartbreaks and having the player you drafted highest become the bane of your existence/get injured/underperform week after week. I dropped Dwayne Bowe last year thanks to his lackluster season and I refuse to pick him up again. Know your shit, keep up with your team, pay your dues if there are dues and just keep it moving forward. Fantasy football is FUN if you actually participate.

 

Suggestion #4
Have an awesome team name.
Whether you have a funny team name or not, at least have one that is special to you or something besides “GAT’s Super Team” or whatever crap they have premade for everyone. Mine are currently “Make it Dwayne on dem Bowes” and “Golden Showers.” I have not come up with anything new for the 2015 season… and do not plan on drafting Dwayne Bowe or Golden Tate, but those were player-centric names that I enjoyed for my team. If you have one player you love, go with it. If you have signature team name like “The Bro Zone” that you stick with year after year, go with it. I’m a huge fan of creativity and being goofy so the more ridiculous, the better.

 

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Suggestion #5
HAVE FUN!
This is all just a fun game, unless you are playing for mortgages or something insane, and just remember to have fun with it. Interacting with your league members and being able to talk shit is probably the most exciting part of the entire league. If you are in an office environment you will get to know the true competitors on Tuesday when the final stats are set after Monday Night Football. These people will glare, mumble, and build voodoo dolls, etc. in order to let you know how annoyed they are with losing their match up. The fun players laugh it off, give each other shit, and take their win/loss in a joking manner. No one likes a crab-apple shit talking bad sport. This “game” has the ability to make your Sundays a lot more exciting and have an entirely new reason to watch NFL Red Zone all day long. If you are a drinker, feel free to get rip-roaring drunk at noon each week and blame your fantasy team! It’s the perfect excuse to engage in some friendly competition with your favorite office frenemy, your live-in boyfriend that never leaves the couch on Sunday, your husband that glares at you when you come down to check on him in the “Man Cave” whenever football is on, your obnoxious brother-in-law that thinks he knows everything about fantasy football and pays a bunch of money each year for the best insider tips and still loses in the playoffs each year.

 

Fantasy Football is a game of little skill, a lot of busy-work and mostly unproven research and most of all dumb luck. May the odds forever be in your favor.

 

XXOO,
GAT

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I like malt liquor & froyo

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