Today brought a few options when I sat down to compose my NFL article. Yes,compose, because writing is a gd form of the arts and I am basically a less talented Mozart. My first option was to write an article about how stupid Roger Goodell is and his comments about how he will have to explain President (elect) Trump felt almost more robotic than usual. My second option? Do some NFL picks and make fun of the state of everyone’s team. Boom, much better idea. I’m tired of being mad online, you’re tired of being mad online and we all just need to focus on collectively making fun of everyone else’s team.
Thursday Night Football: No one cares until December when the Chiefs will be showcased. Way to go, Ravens. Y’all still suck but the Browns suck more. WOO!
Broncos @ Saints
The jackass corner, Aqib Talib might miss this game and tbh, so will I. There are much more pressing games on at noon (like my beloved Chiefs) to watch and the Saints are at home sooooo… bye, Broncos. I’m not even apologizing for my clear bias and incredible hatred for all things orange and blue. I’m cheering for Brees to have a helluva game and destroy Denver like baby Tebow intended.
Chiefs @ Carolina
FINALLY WE CAN TALK ABOUT A TEAM THAT MATTERS! ThEE Kansas City Chiefs head to Charlotte to take on Cam Newton and his weird array of hats. I’m not even joking, can someone send Justin Houston into the locker room and just rip it up in front of Cam? Those things are hideous. Back to football, Carolina opens as a three point favorite and they have one of the best rushing defenses in the league. Kansas City’s rushing defense is closer to the bottom of the barrel. The good news? Carolina is terrible against defending the passing game so let’s do what Alex Smith does best and keep it in the air! Besides, we have like two running backs left on our team so let’s not kill all of them this year. Chiefs win this one, 34-17.
Rams @ Jets
Well, Rams, you are 3-5 and going into New York with a bit of an issue on both sides of the ball. The issue? Your head coach is king of mediocrity… Jeff Fisher. Even with the Jets having quarterback issues themselves, at least they don’t have Fisher holding the team back. I say Jets win this one and Rams fans are still booing Case Keenum.
Packers @ Titans
I think we all win this game. Why? The most spoiled fans in the league (Green Bay) will have a full blown meltdown if they lose this game. Don’t even @ me about the fans being spoiled. SEVENTEEN POSTSEASON APPEARANCES IN 24 YEARS AND ONLY TWO LOSING SEASONS WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME NUMBER OF SUPER BOWLS YALL WON IN THAT TIME. SHUT UP. Alright, back to breaking out of caps lock and hitting you with the facts. If not, we get to see the struggling Titans try to win a game, which has proved mildly entertaining over the weeks. Like I said, there are better games to watch at noon so skip this one. TItans win.
Falcons @ Eagles
BIRD WAR BIRD WAR BIRD WAR! Be sure to tune into this game to see what Doug Pederson has in store for the visiting Falcons. Not only is the Philly defense pretty awesome against passing, they aren’t terrible against the rush. Expect the Eagles to be the dominant bird in this matchup, just like George Washington intended. FLY EAGLES FLY!
Vikings @ Washington
Two largely stereotyped mascots, one more so than the other, face off in the D.C. area for another noon game that you might want to skip. Look, Washington D.C. has already taken a big L this week, we can’t have another one happen on Sunday. The Vikings are almost as thrown together as Trump’s political platforms and there isn’t much they can do to overcome their alarmingly mediocrity. Washington is going to have to run the ball a lot more because the Vikings have Mike Zimmer leading them and he is like really good at defense. I think Washington avenges the fact they tied a damn football game and we see a win for Washington and the city can finally celebrate something again. YOU LIKE THAT?! YOU LIKE THAT!
Texans @ Jacksonville
Yikes. Do not watch. Change the channel. Jacksonville will probably win this one though. Go Jags!
Dolphins @ Chargers
FINALLY A GAME THAT ISN’T AT NOON!
Well, well, well…here we have the classic battle of two 4+ loss teams that do best when they are in the sunshine and close to water. Guys, this game might end in a tie just based off principle. I’ve never really understood the Chargers team name because being that close to water doesn’t seem like the best place for lightning. I feel like it is a known fact that people on or in or near water are among those most at risk during thunderstorms. Seems pretty reckless to me. Who would win in a battle of Dolphins (in the water) or lightning (attacking dolphins in the water) in this case? Dolphins would. Dolphins are made of rubber and that insulates them from the lightning and that is just science. Also, lightning striking a dolphin during a storm is rare and not going to happen. With these facts alone, Dolphins win and the Chargers continue to embarrass the AFC West.
Cowboys @ Steelers
It has been (8)4 years since they have faced each other….
The Cowboys won the last match up so now that they are 7-1 and looking unstoppable with Dak Prescott…yeah. They will win again. This is a battle of terrible sports fans and I think we all lose no matter the outcome. Seriously, can you name a more entitled and awful group of fans in the league? I sure as hell can’t. Between Terrible Towels, SIX RINGS chants, ALL of the Starter jackets, some of the most polarizing athletes in history on these teams… MAKE IT STOP. We all lose. This game will be win number eight for Dallas.
Seahawks @ Patriots
Patriots have yet to throw an interception. They are on fire. They have all of the super attractive men on their team, Belichick included. I love Bill Belichick so much I think I might as him to adopt me. What is it that makes the Patriots so loveable until you have to play them? Probably because we know that Tom Brady is sticking it to Roger Goodell every single time he takes the field to dominate the opponent. I’m gushing and need to stop. Tom Brady will shut Russell Wilson’s goofy ass down one stern look at a time. Pats win, Seahawks cry.
There you have it, all of the NFL picks for this Sunday because the other games outside of Sundays are usually terrible disasters. Seriously, NFL, are you planning on fix this?